wish I had known

"What is the one piece of advice you wish you had received going into your divorce?"

I wished someone would have warned me of the absolute loneliness and isolation I would feel. All my life had been wrapped up in: church, family, and work. And all my friends were from those three areas. I had plenty of ‘ministry’ friends, but the minute our marriage fell apart due to my husband’s infidelity…I was, honestly, deserted. (Or maybe it just felt that way…)

No one knew what to say.
No one knew what to do.

It felt as though they were afraid it was going to ‘get’ them, too, if they got too close.

So there I was. Alone. With our two kids to raise. By myself.

It was isolation like I’d never known.

The rough part was….I am a pretty outgoing and friendly person who loves spending time with others, but after my divorce…or rather, after my ex’s affair became known, there was only…silence.

Instead of helping hands or even just a hug, suddenly all of ‘our’ friends were nowhere to be found. (It’s amazing how quickly anything that’s labeled as ‘ours’…changes to ‘his vs hers’. Friends included.) Suddenly I didn’t ‘fit’ anywhere anymore. I couldn’t be a ‘married’ friend nor was I just a ‘single’ person.

I was…divorced with kids. And it’s a lonely place to be.

I was raised in a pastor’s home and my ex-husband was a pastor when the affairs occurred so, basically, everything I knew and was raised around was…church. Yet when everything all fell apart, I had no idea who to call.

I didn’t want to hear about it being…God’s will. Or ‘only God knows’. Or ‘just trust Him through this’. Or…anything else that frankly didn’t take the pain away. I wasn’t in the mood. (Sounds bad, but it’s the honest truth.)

I was hurting. I was embarrassed. And, frankly, I was scared.

I was scared not only for myself (figuring out how to take care of all the ‘business’ of our life), but also for my kids. How they would feel. How they would cope. How they would…survive. Or if they even would.

I realize I could have called my parents, but after feeling like such a failure (funny, huh?...especially since I wasn’t the one who messed up), I didn’t want to hear anything close to… ‘I told you so’. And maybe they wouldn’t have, but…when you’re over your head, drowning in pain…you don’t always think so rational.

I needed a friend….who understood.
I needed communication.
I needed information.
I needed guidance from someone who had walked this same road before…and survived.

And, frankly…I needed a hug.

But there was no one I felt could understand. I knew no one who could say, “It’s gonna be tough, lonely, emotional and more, but I can honestly tell you from my experience…you WILL survive.”

My parents, while their life isn’t perfect, were still married. My brother and his wife, who I am very close to, were there for me, but they couldn’t change my circumstances. They couldn’t truly understand. My family could cry with me but..that was about it.

So since that time, as I have began recovering and healing from my divorce, I have done my best to be there for everyone else I know who’s going through the same or similar experiences.

Trust me….

I understand.
I know.

And I remember.

You’re not alone.

I’m here.

And if my pain was sent to me so I could get you through yours…then it will all be worth it…some day.

Let’s go on this healing journey…together.


Feel free to contact me at majiksoul39(at)yahoo(dot)com with any (well, not just any…let’s keep it clean and respectful, ya hear? lol) questions, comments, or help for others going through a divorce.