so many questions

Now that I’ve come through the 9-year-journey of an unexpected divorce, I find myself ready to share some lessons I’ve learned along the way. I must admit, though…it took me awhile to get to the place I felt emotionally and physically healed enough to do that. To even be able to share my heart.

And now that I’ve started going back and putting those lessons on paper, all the memories and emotions are coming in like waves, so hopefully I won’t write a book each time I post. ;)

Sometimes the divorce process will make you feel like you’re going crazy. God knows, I’ve had my sessions of lashing out, punching the steering wheel of my car while driving down the road, or sometimes even having to stop on the side of the road just to get control of my emotions…weeping, sobbing, and trying to figure out…

WHY?
What did I miss?
What signs did I not see that were probably right in front of my eyes?

Why, God?
Didn’t I serve you to the best of my ability?
Didn’t I…
…take care of our home
…work a full-time job
…be a pastor's wife 24/7
…take care of my kids you miraculously allowed me to have
…and try to help everyone else the best I knew how and was raised to do?

So after all that…why now?
Why is my home destroyed?
Why did my (then) husband decide to go outside our marriage and have multiple affairs with people I had treated as friends, all the while trying to keep up the charade of a happy home?

Why?

How did God allow this to go on? I didn’t deserve this. (But then again, who does, right?) Good lord, there were so many questions. And, honestly, I wasn't trying to blame God because I truly believe that it isn’t God’s intention to destroy us. It is His will for us to follow His commandments, but...sometimes the will of a human doesn’t always match up with what God had ordained for their life.

So I guess because of loving and trusting God as I had all my life, I just naturally (being human) turned to Him with all my big questions, especially since I couldn't seem to find the answers from anybody else. Not from my (ex) spouse, not from my family, and not from my friends.

Of course there were a few good-intentioned people who tried to encourage, but how could they advise me when they had no clue as to what I was feeling, or understand why I needed the answers to these questions!

God was the only one I could to turn to and just let it all out!

So, fast-forward to present day, and while watching one of my favorite shows, Royal Pains, they said a statement that just stopped me in my tracks. I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote it down.

When the younger brother found out that Hank knew what was going on with his girlfriend and didn’t tell him, he said, "You should've told me the minute you knew......'cause that's what I would've done for you"!!

You see, when I finally learned the truth of what had been going on in our marriage, I couldn't figure out why I was the last to find out. I looked around and realized I was so busy with our lives, our home, our family, my work, and our church…that I wasn’t paying attention. For that matter, I didn’t realize I needed to.

Although there were others who had begun to see and hear things, and slowly started to figure it out, I was never told. After everything came to light, people started telling me, "Well, I saw some things but I just couldn’t tell you that. I didn't know how. I’m so sorry."

Of course, I truly didn’t blame them or anyone else that knew things well before I did, but if I could be truly honest (as I have learned to be), I was so hurt and emotionally embarrassed by the very thought that everybody else knew things were bad…but I didn’t.

How was that even possible?

It took me awhile to understand that they didn’t know what to do. And I guess, I wouldn’t have either. I mean, after all…I trusted my spouse. Why would I even be wondering about it, right?

I guess that’s how I realized the important of just being ‘real’. Of being honest. Of being a place of safety for someone to be able to come to (yes, even a spouse) and admit to an addiction or some other problem, and know they will find…compassion, encouragement, help, or direction.

I would love to have believed I could have weathered the storm with him, and saved us years of heartache….shattering our kids, destroying our home, and basically, crumbling the very foundation our lives were built upon.

"You should've told me the minute you knew, 'cause that's what I would've done for you."

I guess it was the…not knowing that was so hard to grasp.

Now I’ve learned that it doesn't really matter ‘why’. Why the affairs, or why no one told me. Or even why my ex-husband never tried to open up to me. It just matters that I overcame it.

And so will you.

What ‘why’-battle are you going through…?

wish I had known

"What is the one piece of advice you wish you had received going into your divorce?"

I wished someone would have warned me of the absolute loneliness and isolation I would feel. All my life had been wrapped up in: church, family, and work. And all my friends were from those three areas. I had plenty of ‘ministry’ friends, but the minute our marriage fell apart due to my husband’s infidelity…I was, honestly, deserted. (Or maybe it just felt that way…)

No one knew what to say.
No one knew what to do.

It felt as though they were afraid it was going to ‘get’ them, too, if they got too close.

So there I was. Alone. With our two kids to raise. By myself.

It was isolation like I’d never known.

The rough part was….I am a pretty outgoing and friendly person who loves spending time with others, but after my divorce…or rather, after my ex’s affair became known, there was only…silence.

Instead of helping hands or even just a hug, suddenly all of ‘our’ friends were nowhere to be found. (It’s amazing how quickly anything that’s labeled as ‘ours’…changes to ‘his vs hers’. Friends included.) Suddenly I didn’t ‘fit’ anywhere anymore. I couldn’t be a ‘married’ friend nor was I just a ‘single’ person.

I was…divorced with kids. And it’s a lonely place to be.

I was raised in a pastor’s home and my ex-husband was a pastor when the affairs occurred so, basically, everything I knew and was raised around was…church. Yet when everything all fell apart, I had no idea who to call.

I didn’t want to hear about it being…God’s will. Or ‘only God knows’. Or ‘just trust Him through this’. Or…anything else that frankly didn’t take the pain away. I wasn’t in the mood. (Sounds bad, but it’s the honest truth.)

I was hurting. I was embarrassed. And, frankly, I was scared.

I was scared not only for myself (figuring out how to take care of all the ‘business’ of our life), but also for my kids. How they would feel. How they would cope. How they would…survive. Or if they even would.

I realize I could have called my parents, but after feeling like such a failure (funny, huh?...especially since I wasn’t the one who messed up), I didn’t want to hear anything close to… ‘I told you so’. And maybe they wouldn’t have, but…when you’re over your head, drowning in pain…you don’t always think so rational.

I needed a friend….who understood.
I needed communication.
I needed information.
I needed guidance from someone who had walked this same road before…and survived.

And, frankly…I needed a hug.

But there was no one I felt could understand. I knew no one who could say, “It’s gonna be tough, lonely, emotional and more, but I can honestly tell you from my experience…you WILL survive.”

My parents, while their life isn’t perfect, were still married. My brother and his wife, who I am very close to, were there for me, but they couldn’t change my circumstances. They couldn’t truly understand. My family could cry with me but..that was about it.

So since that time, as I have began recovering and healing from my divorce, I have done my best to be there for everyone else I know who’s going through the same or similar experiences.

Trust me….

I understand.
I know.

And I remember.

You’re not alone.

I’m here.

And if my pain was sent to me so I could get you through yours…then it will all be worth it…some day.

Let’s go on this healing journey…together.


Feel free to contact me at majiksoul39(at)yahoo(dot)com with any (well, not just any…let’s keep it clean and respectful, ya hear? lol) questions, comments, or help for others going through a divorce.